Rip My Guts Out

This post is long over due. It has needed to be written and even though I've had lots of little funny gems that I could have stalled with . . . I knew in my ever-lovin' blog writing heart that my next subject needed to be about my upcoming hysterectomy. I think I've hesitated because I don't want to become one of those elderly men that you smile to on the street and ask rhetorically "how are you today sir?" and then they start telling you about their flare up of gout or latest patch of hemorrhoids.

So if you are one of those people who gets a case of the wabbles by listening to feminine issues you might want to skip this post and watch this link of the fire works over the Disney castle and all will be marshmallows and sunshine again. If you are unsure if you should continue reading, here is a test. Do any of these words make you uncomfortable?

Menstral Cycle (I bet I lost a few with that one already)

Kotex Pad

Uvula (I challenge you to look this up if you don't know what this is. We all have 'em)

Pap Smear

Speculum

Fallopian Tube

Mucus Plug (Ok I think someone out there just fainted)

Truly I won't be using any of these words but they were fun to write. Here at Glory Laine we always try to be educational without being textbook boring so this will again be another riveting series to further uncover just how completely and utterly screwed up my body is. So if you like self deprecating humor as much as I do . . . please follow along with my "Rip My Guts Out" updates.

My story begins like most all women's. . . I have a lot of pain but then I self diagnosis and say things like, "I'm sure it's nothing", "It will go away", "I'll just double my dose of ibuprofen and my world is flowers and hearts again.", "Going to the doctor is too hard. With finding childcare and having to bear ones soul and getting naked in a public place and describing pains that come and go makes me feel like a hypochondriac." Anyway, all that to say I've been letting warning signs go way too long and finally at the end of my rope I called my doctor and arranged childcare and answered all the invasive questions and much to my surprised found out that my body wasn't lying after all. It is in distress and was pissed at me for not listening to it.

An ultra sound gave just a peak to the disaster that is taking place inside me. Normally a woman uterus and ovaries are floating freely and carelessly inside her abdomen. In mine it showed that my endometriosis is having some kind of frat party on my reproductive system and has essentially fastened all of my organs together in to one big sphere of havoc. A total hysterectomy is indeed the only answer to ending the endometriosis that is now invading my other vital organs. Timing is amazing because as ya'll read this summer I don't need "the oven" anymore. The endo has even started to take over my intestines and that's were I found out the most devastating news of all: I have to have a colonoscopy. "Devastating" might be a tad dramatic but still it's very far off my "thing I want to do before I die" list.

So I've had my consultation with the gastroenterologist (surely all those smart people could have come up with a better self-descriptive title.) And I can't even tell you the sarcastic joy it brought me to sit in his office and have a detailed chat about all the in's and OUTS about me. And of course Dr. "Gas" is about my age, and slightly attractive and now knows more about me than . . . well . . . anyone. He asked me about family history with Celiac Disease. Just so happens my maternal grandfather had it. Doctor looks curious and says, "looks like you've also suffered from infertility. You should have already been checked for this." So he sent me on my way with orders to have yet another test done. And wouldn't you know it . . . I came back positive for Celiac just on Friday. And this my friends changes everything. I now am on a strict gluten free diet. No wheat, rye, barley and all of the derivatives that I have yet to learn or pronounce. I'm learning just how serious this disease is as it can lead to cancer and an increased risk in miscarriages. Dr. "Gas" let me know again just how miraculous it was that I was able to carry Tobin; and twins to term. . . was just a phenomenon. Thankfulness all over again.

So next on the list is to add an endoscopy with the colonoscopy. I'm going to be strung like a roasted chicken . . . don't picture that . . . I mean it! Stop! Right Now!

Dr. "Gas" is doing a biopsy to see how much damage my years of gluten consumption has done. Then gives his report to Dr. "Gyno" where he decides how invasive surgery will have to be. No dates have been set although both Doctors agree that this all is going to happen fast.

In the mean time all the kids need to be tested too. I have a feeling this has been the cause of all of Jabes issues. I would really love to hear from any of you who have been diagnosed with Celiac Disease or a total hysterectomy at an early age. Please leave a comment and let me know how I can get ahold of you.

Both doctors say that I have learned to live with pain and discomfort all my life and that in a few month I might just learn what normal feels like. Yeah normal. If you just need to know more about Celiac Disease, Elisabeth Hasselback does a great segment on The View about it.

Had Me In Stitches

We didn't get the kids home from Grandma's and to bed until after nine last night. WAY past bedtime but worth it when Matt and I can have a little date night. I was trying to keep up with my new Flylady schedule and get my sink shiny and the morning breakfast laid out when I heard the heart dropping thud and scream come from the twin's room. Ran in to see blood pouring from Jabe's mouth as he sobbed that he got hurt. Phoebe stared in a stunned shock-like state and I scoped up the bloody child to the kitchen to have a better look. Teeth were fine (YES!!!), but blood was still coming from somewhere. A wet wash cloth revealed a hole in bottom lip that punched clear through to the inside of his mouth. "He'll need stitches", I say in my best Dr. Mom voice. Tobin was very interested in the whole mess and started to freak out Jabe when he started to explain what stitches were and described in detail how big the needle was going to be. I cut him off and gave him a job to gather up some toys for Jabe to take to the ER to play with while we wait. Matt got ice packed up and off we went. Jabe chatted with me the entire ride in the car, he chatted with the night guard who questioned why we needed to come into the ER, ( I refrained from calling him a total moron for not seeing the little boy with blood pouring out of his mouth and being able to but two and two together without a cheat-sheet.) Jabe was charming to the intake nurse and loved his new hospital bracelet, and him and nurse Jim are total bff's now. Tobin did a great job packing toys for Jabe. Mater the truck, a book, Jabe's blanket, a small magna doodle and Jabe and nurse Jim's favorite, Mr. Potato Head as Darth Tater. Perfect little toys to play with while we waited for the novocaine to kick in, and waited for the doctor to give Jabe two little stitches. Nurse Jim held his head still, I was in charge of his arms and Jabe had to keep his lips together. Jabe ignored their silly suggestion to close his eyes and watched the whole time, completely content like he was getting a massage not having a fishhook weaved in and out of his face. No tears and we were out in two hours.

He's on a "smooth" diet for the next 24 hours so that food doesn't get into the wound but other that that we are done.

And as to what we think happened . . . I'm no Sherlock but I think he was climbing on his dresser when he fell off it. Sometimes I wish I had a security camera running in their room so I could see the shenanigans they pull. Praying for a boring day today.